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The Art of Submission with BONNIE BLAZE

INTERVIEW BY BRIDGETT MAGYAR


Petit Mort’s social media correspondent and literary team member, Bridgett Magyar had the opportunity to connect with Portuguese- based submissive, Bonnie Blaze, a student of kink and a teacher of the craft in her own right. She enlightens Petit on her experiences of finding her place in BDSM, the significance of a symbiotic relationship between Dom and Sub, and what it really means to top from the bottom.


PETIT MORT (BRIDGETT MAGYAR)

Could introduce yourself, who you are and where are you based?


BONNIE BLAZE

I’m Bonnie. I’m 25 years old and I’m based in Porto, Portugal. I do many things inside sex work.


PM

Amazing. So what is the kink scene like in Portugal?


BB

There isn’t a big community in Portugal. We don’t have many events, and ones we do have are mainly in Lisbon, the capital, so if anyone wants to experience something, they have to travel to Lisbon most of the time. You have some private groups that organize parties, and they announce it on FetLife, but it’s not a professional thing. It’s people that like BDSM, and throw private parties in their houses or rentals. Portugal is a bit conservative. People are very connected to religion and so they don’t explore their sexual life that much. Kinky stuff carries a lot of taboo here.


PM

How did you first become involved in the kink community?


BB

It was through a boyfriend and the Internet. I was a teenager, so I didn’t really know the full concept of BDSM - having a Domme and being a Submissive, or that relationship itself. I started sex work after I had my daughter and that was the moment I could explore more in a professional field, not in my personal space, you know? I’ve always identified as a submissive. I used to fantasize about many things and I thought that I was sick, or I had some kind of problem because I liked things that my friends didn’t know they liked or didn’t tell me they liked.


PM

Did he then introduce you to an actual community of people who are also into it?


BB

No, we only did this kind of stuff ourselves. Then the next boyfriend I had, I was open that I like this and we started exploring. After that, I only had Dom/Sub relationships and I could explore more, but I didn’t know exactly what was the aim of everything. When I got inside sex work, I could express everything in a safe way and I knew what I was doing.


PM

In your experience, how have you learned to establish a healthy sub and dom relationship?


I USED TO SAY YES TO EVERYTHING BECAUSE I WANTED PEOPLE TO LIKE ME, AND I WANTED TO BE THE PERFECT SUB, BUT NOW I KNOW THAT'S NOT HEALTHY.


BB

I learned that communication is the key. Communication and honesty, you know, be real and don’t lie at all. I learned that boundaries are important, that you don’t have to say yes to everything, because I used to say yes to everything because I wanted people to like me, and I wanted to be the perfect sub, but now I know that’s not healthy. Even with my clients, I used to say yes to everything, even with BDSM because I want them to like me and to pay me for that and to feel that the money was worth it. But now, boundaries are much more important and make a relationship stronger.


PM

Sex work especially is a good place to learn how to identify boundaries, and as you set more boundaries, you end up having better clients.


BB

I have clients that make me feel safe and not scared of them, and boyfriends, too.


PM

How did you learn how to set boundaries?


BB

At first I didn’t set my boundaries, and I got hurt many times. I have a very special friend, she’s a dominatrix, too, and she used to have deep conversations with me about taking care of myself and how it would benefit myself and my work, in general, to think about those things. So she helped me a lot to open my mind about that stuff. I only have male clients and I only do photo shoots and shoot porn with men. But I met her and she’s a dominatrix from Lisbon and I felt really connected with her, so we booked a photoshoot together. Since then, we’ve been really close friends. She’s the only girl I work with because I feel safe with her.


PM

Does she feel like a mentor in a way?


BB

I don’t know if she feels it, but I feel that way. She teaches me a lot. Even though she’s a dominatrix and not a submissive, she helps me a lot with being a good sub from a dom perspective, and from the perspective of a friend because she knows who I am.


PM

Have you discovered over the course of your experience as a submissive that your boundaries have changed at all?


BB

Yes, they did. Even with hard limits, for example, I used to have some hard limits that now they are okay for me, or things that I used to do that now I don’t like to do at all because I don’t enjoy them anymore.


PM

I feel like it’s pretty powerful to identify what you used to be okay with consenting to and now where you draw the line. I think there’s power in letting yourself have been that person and acknowledging that is something you did once enjoy or want.


BB

But not anymore and not with everyone.


PM

If there were things that you were consenting to that you were like, “I’m willing to do this as a sub,” and then you changed over time, how did you learn how to communicate that? Did you ever have any pushback from clients?


BB

In my personal life, I had some problems with it. I used to have a dom and we were in a 24/7 relationship. We were together for more than a year, and I stopped wanting to be 24/7. I wanted to be sub only sometimes because I felt that I wanted to do more things in my life and choose these parts of my life. And I wasn’t choosing that, I was only doing what he thought was good for me. Sometimes, I didn’t agree with those decisions, so I started wanting to have less control from him. Eventually, we broke up because we didn’t want the same thing in a relationship. He wanted a sub that was 24/7 and I wanted to be free to do other things with my life. We had to end our relationship because we didn’t match. We matched for a long time, but at a certain point, we had to break up. My clients usually accept what I want and what I don’t want, but in your personal life, when there are feelings involved, sometimes it’s harder because you don’t want to lose someone that’s important to you.


PM

Have you ever crossed a threshold in a session where you felt like you were no longer able to effectively communicate boundaries?


BB

Yes, many times.


PM

In the moment or in hindsight, how were you able to resolve that?


BB

I’m gonna be honest, in the moment, I don’t know, sometimes I don’t have the capacity to talk and get up and leave the scene, because I don’t want to disappoint people. So I like to see him finish and then I talk about what happened, even though I’m suffering in those minutes. Because I’m not talking, I don’t feel strong enough to talk. So I prefer to do a session and then we talk about what was good and what failed.


PM

Do you feel like you’re at a place now where that doesn’t happen in sessions anymore?


BB

It doesn’t happen in my work, but in my personal life, sometimes it still happens. I care a lot what [people] think of me to be honest, and if I’m a good person or a good sub. I don’t want to disappoint people. So as I told you before, I let people do what they like. When I’m working, I don’t have those feelings. So if I have to say no, I say it, but in my personal life, it’s hard. I’m slowly getting better. With the conversations I have with my friend, sometimes she’s like my psychologist. She can make me stronger and helps me get better at saying no the next time.


PM

It must be so nice to have a dom as a “mentor” and a friend.


BB

Yes. That’s the best thing. I don’t have the community here, but I have my friend. She’s kinky and she’s proud of me. She’s a very intelligent and smart person so I get many things from that relationship, that many people maybe get from the BDSM community. It helps a lot to have someone inside the things you are in. I remember she told me to write a list of kinks that now I allow to happen, and things that I don’t allow to happen. And write everything down and go and talk to my dom at the time. If you have something bothering you write it down, do not be afraid to talk to him, you can be more secure of yourself and do it. She didn’t write anything, she gave me that idea and it helped me a lot. My other friends? They wouldn’t talk about it. They wouldn’t say those things.


PM

I think that’s such a good representation of what BDSM and the kink community look like when it’s done properly. How important it is to see your boundaries outside of yourself and to enforce those boundaries. Are there any other submissives who you feel you’ve learned from?


BB

I don’t follow many submissives because as I told you, we don’t have the [kink] community here. An interesting thing about Portugal, I think there are more male submissives than female. Even the clients that ask me for my service, they want dom service, not submissive service and they are men. Men want women to dominate them a lot [in Portugal].


PM

Do you think that is a reflection of Portugal culturally?


BB

I do. Most of the men here that are interested in the dom stuff and the sub stuff are old men. They were so ashamed when they were young because they couldn’t be themselves. There are a lot of sissy submissive men in Portugal because they couldn’t be themselves and were repressed and ashamed. Many cis-men want to dress like women, or be treated like a woman, and have sissification sessions, because they couldn’t be themselves in the past, and now they are discovering what they can do with sex workers.


PM

Do you think your practice is the subject of shame or have you been shamed for it?


BB

Yes, even with my peers, people that are sex workers, but not inside BDSM. They don’t get why people pay me to be able to do stuff, they think it’s degrading, and that I shouldn’t provide that kind of service. With in-person service, people want a lot of BDSM stuff in person. Not really online, because I told you old men are the people that have more financial capacity to pay for in-person services here.


PM

Have you had clients who are very aware of the BDSM culture and the spectrum of kinks? Is your clientele mostly pretty experienced doms or is it the opposite?


BB

No, they are not experienced, they want to try new things. Some of my regulars try with me, and then discover what they like, and start their BDSM journey. Most of them come to me with no knowledge. They just want to try new things, but initially not a full BDSM session.


PM

Are you often sort of in a role of topping from the bottom or teaching as a sub?


BB

Yes, sometimes. Not in my personal life, because I think with your dom boyfriend that’s not a good thing. However, with my clients, I think it’s a good thing because they need someone to teach them because they want to evolve. They want to know more, but they don’t have anyone to experiment with. So they come to professional workers and they try, and being in a submissive role, I have to teach them to do things in the correct way so they don’t hurt me.


PM

Do you find that comes naturally to you where you feel comfortable being in the role of teaching as a submissive?


BB

I had to learn. I had to learn to teach because I was used to being the submissive so I didn’t have to think at all. However, in my work, I have to be submissive, but I also have to think about what the dom has to do, and teach them to do it in a good way.


PM

Have you had clients who you’ve seen evolve as a dom, and have you gotten to a point where you enjoy those sessions with them?


BB

Yes, yes, I did. Mostly in terms of consent, in terms of asking before doing something, because most of them try to do everything they can and they don’t think that it could affect you. So now they ask more. They understand more of what’s inside your head at that moment. They don’t think only about themselves. I think that’s the thing I saw evolving the most.


PM

How would you define a good sub?


BB

I think we can’t define a good sub because every relationship and every person is different. It depends how the person views kink and how deep the person is within your relationship. It’s different. I think loving your dom and communicating everything you think - your fears, and everything with your dom, just be honest, those are the top things that make a good sub. Don’t be afraid to be annoying. Say what you think, what you fear, what you want. That’s the biggest advice I can give.


PM

How would you define a good dom personally for you?


BB

I think you can’t be selfish. If you think about me as a whole human being, not just as a thing, and to communicate, and not put your desires in front of mine. Don’t take advantage of me just to be fulfilled, you understand what I mean? They can’t do that, and many doms do, they only think about themselves because they feel superior. Like they are the only thing that matters and that’s not the way it is. We have to take care of each other. I think that’s an important thing. Dom and sub, we are a team. If you want this to work, you have to do everything we can and love each other and do everything that sustains us.


PM

I think that’s a really beautiful way to put it, as a team working together. What do you think are the biggest misconceptions in sub/dom relationships?


BB

I think there are misconceptions about doms abusing subs just because they do bad things to them. I know there are doms that are abusers but not every dom is an abuser. They don’t understand the love that a sub and a dom have to have for each other. Many people think that BDSM relationships are just one person doing bad things to another, but that’s not true. They don’t know about aftercare. They have no idea that after a scene you take the time to be with your dom, they ask if you are okay, what was good, what was not.


PM

What would you say is one of the most important things about aftercare? What would the ideal aftercare scenario look like for you?


BB

I think having a conversation about what was done in session is important. If there were any triggers, because triggers are important to keep in mind during a relationship and in a BDSM relationship. I like when they ask me in the aftercare. I like to take a shower to feel clean again. And I like to smoke. I definitely need to talk after because sometimes I cry during sessions. I don’t know, I just feel like crying because it makes me feel better, and we have to talk about whether it was a good cry or a bad cry. Aftercare is a part of the session, even in my work. Even if it’s two or three minutes because we don’t have much time, I try to talk with them a little bit after.


PM

What would you say is your favorite part of being a submissive?


BB

I don’t know... but I think being a submissive helps me know myself more. I like a lot of things and I didn’t know why and I didn’t know how to name it. After I had the name of what I was, I felt the empty spaces becoming full. I just got to know myself better and I liked that. I understood why I like to be taken care of and why I like being taken care of while someone does bad things to me.


PM

Do you find that in your regular or day-to-day life you still exhibit submissive sort of personality traits?


BB

Yes, more than I like. I’m more quiet. I let other people talk and I listen a lot. I do a lot of service acts; I cook for all my friends and I make desserts and ask if everyone is okay. And I’m always trying to keep the house clean when there is a party. I didn’t know why I was like that, now I know I’m a sub. BDSM helps me know myself better.


PM

Dom/sub relationships as a tool to access yourself is really powerful and so beautiful. It’s unfortunate that there are so many misconceptions around kink in general, because these things live inside of so many people.


BB

You can be free even if you’re only kinky in the bedroom, or if you have to go to a sex worker, you can be free for those hours. Sometimes I think I know my clients much better than their wives because they can be open with me about everything. They explain things that they don’t trust their wives to talk about because they know I don’t judge. I have many people that can’t explore their kinks with their partners. I feel good that they trust me to do those things.


PM

What kind of advice would you give to a beginner sub to achieve a fulfilling relationship as a submissive? Or what kind of advice would you give a beginner sub who wants to tap into their submissive-ness?


BB

Research, research, research. Research a lot. Read a lot. Talk with professional people that offer mentorship because I think that helps even if it’s a video call. I think you should talk with someone that is a professional and that offers those kinds of services. If I had someone to talk about those things when I was a teenager, I would be safe in many ways that I wasn’t.


PM

My last question is, are there any goals that you want to achieve as a professional sub or within the kink community?


BB

I would like to expand the BDSM community in Portugal. I would like to have a BDSM related place here in my country, I don’t know, maybe even own a dungeon, or a place where I can do workshops, or sessions for someone. I would love to do something like that, you know, have a place for myself and a place where kink in Portugal feels safe and [people] feel welcome there.


PM

I think you would be such a good teacher just based on what you’ve told me that you do for your clients and how good of a listener and how good of a sub you’ve become too.


BB

Thank you.


PM

Thank you so much for talking with us!


I LIKE BEING TAKEN CARE OF WHILE SOMEONE DOES BAD THINGS TO ME.

BONNIE BLAZE INTERVIEWED BY BRIDGETT MAGYAR

PHOTOS BY NO NOTHING PHOTOGRAPHY



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