Sex Positive Parenting FAQ
Updated: Oct 24, 2022
BY JET SETTING JASMINE
I’m so excited to bring my worlds of sex entertainment, education, therapy and parenting to the spotlight for the Petit Mort audience. Every opportunity I’ve had to talk about Sex Positive Parenting (also known as Porn and Parenting) over the past decade, I’ve found that my pre-scripted presentation is just a prompt for deeper discussions.
I combed through years of inquiries and FAQs from parents, soon-to-be parents, want-to-be parents and people who work with or influence children and wanted to share a few perspectives from a sex positive approach.
ILLUSTRATION BY PENELOPE DARIO
How can I feel more confident in my sexual pleasure as a new parent?
It’s so important to meet your mind and body exactly where it is as a new parent. There’s a misconception that as soon as we have a child, we can jump back into doing and feeling like before. Our bodies change, our relationships to intimacy changes and certainly our external environment to our bodies changes. First, acknowledge what those changes are and what reasonable sexual pleasure goals are.
Perhaps having pre-baby stamina feels out of reach, but having one or two stolen moments of intimacy with a partner can help rebuild that stamina. Maybe prior to your body having all of these new changes, your chest area was an erogenous zone; now that you have been chest feeding, that area is no longer a source of titillation. Take some time to pleasure map your body. Find new zones and new turn-ons, so you can begin to build and sustain your new sexual confidence post-partum.
How can I balance parenthood while engaging in alternative lifestyles or play parties?
Being a parent or a member of any family unit takes prioritization. Whether your lifestyle includes engaging in a particular sport or sex with multiple partners—be intentional about what time and resources are allotted to different aspects of your life.
I’ve worked with many families creating lifestyle plans to ensure all members feel respected.
Also, let those that are a part of your non-family lifestyle and activities know your priorities. I’ve told my friends, “Please keep inviting me to your play parties! I might not be able to come every time, but if my family schedule permits, I would definitely like to be part of the fun.” And to my family, “Mommy wants to spend time hanging out with my friends doing adult activities this weekend. Next weekend, we can do some fun family stuff.” Both are very important aspects to me as an individual and I’m clear about what takes priority at different times.
How can I understand and support my child’s gender or sexual exploration?
Your child is the expert on their gender identity – ask them! By showing that we’re interested in how they’re developing as individuals, not societal presets, we get to have a front row seat to their lives. I ask my children periodically:
How do you identify right now?
What are your pronouns?
Can I change anything about how I refer to your personal identity?
By asking, I get honest answers and we have incredibly thought-provoking conversations that allow me to learn more about my own children. When it comes to sexual exploration, we need to prioritize safety, harm reduction and personal responsibility. Be supportive while offering real life boundaries. This could look something like:
“I know you’ve been dating and if that’s leading towards intimacy, I’d like to share with you ways that you can keep yourself and your partner safe.”
Maybe you have some boundaries that are important for your child to respect while they’re under your care. This is something that can be discussed without promoting shame or discouraging their development. My boundary is I do not want underage children having sex in my home. I don’t think wanting to have sex is bad, but I do not want that liablity in my home.
Is it OK to give children sex toys? If so, when?
This is an option for parents that have good ongoing supportive communication with their children and who are able to provide age-appropriate education. Personally, I feel a good first step for younger children is allowing and providing private space for masturbation with their hands, teaching them proper hygiene and appropriate environments.
Parents can support older children by letting them select their own sex toys. For example, you might give your teenager a gift card to a website that provides a variety of toys with good explanations of what the toy does and how to care for it. Allowing the teen to make the selection for themselves empowers them to make decisions for their bodies. It’s important to add that many of these sites can have an “over 18” restriction, and I never want to suggest parents do anything illegal or inappropriate. Consider communicating with your child on the multi uses of “massagers” or shopping at more general stores for novelty toys.
How do you talk to children about porn?
It’s important to first know what your child knows or is interested in knowing about adult content. Sometimes we are so worried that our children are into sex, we traumatize them with talks that they aren’t ready for! So I’d start with asking if they have any questions about their bodies, others’ bodies, or new feelings about how bodies function.
I might ask them how they feel about seeing people kiss or be intimate on TV shows or commercials (soft porn is everywhere). This gives me a better indication of where my child is starting from. If it points to them being ready to talk about porn, I always lead with, “Porn is adult entertainment, but sometimes children can be exposed to it.” I let my kids know that some of the things they see could be real or staged, and adults are interested in a lot of different ways to connect their bodies with others.
Take away the shame and stigma that many of us grew up with when we saw or were exposed to sex. I want them to understand why it’s dangerous for children to engage with porn. One, it’s illegal. Two, certain topics can be hard to understand and porn isn’t something you can watch or learn together. I’ll let them know what’s available to them at this time like romantic movies or literature. I provide trusted resources for sex education for their age or development stage, and encourage conversations with me or trusted adults. I’m transparent with them that these steps are what will help prepare them for adult material in the future.
When and how is it appropriate to talk about sex?
Always! Let’s talk about our bodies and the autonomy of our bodies. This is the first step towards talking about sex. Helping our children understand their bodies, bodily functions and that the body is also a pleasure source are great beginning topics. This also helps to introduce topics around consent, how we like our bodies to be treated, when we feel respected and how we share that respect with others.
How do you protect yourself and children from schools or neighbors who judge or get authorities involved?
We’re always operating within the law, so regardless of people’s moral judgments; we’re protected.
We as parents also let our children know that we’re their first source for education around sex and sexuality and that we will help them find safe and reliable resources. It’s important that our children aren’t approaching others with Sex Positive conversations that they might not be prepared to engage in. We also talk with teachers, guidance counselors, and other parents on our family’s approach to sex positivity, body positivity and orientation inclusion on behalf of our children.
When and how do you share what you do with your children?
I’ve shared what I do honestly with my children in age-appropriate conversations as my career has become more involved in the adult industry.
When I was teaching pole classes and selling sex toys, I shared with my 10- and 6- year olds at the time, “Mommy is teaching other ladies how to get fit using pole dancing and I sell adult toys. What is in this work bag is for adults only.”
As they got older and I became more involved in sex work, I shared that I would be putting more of my nude work on the internet and let them know, “I do not want our paths to cross, so let’s block each other now.” I let them know that other people might have something to say about what I do. I have responsibilities as a mother who respects them as individuals living with a parent in a stigmatized work industry. I’ve always let my children know that I will be a provider to them and protect them, while also affirming that I’m responsible for my own happiness and life choices as well. That’s what I believe my gift to my children is – the principles of living an authentic and unapologetic life.
JET SETTING JASMINE INTERVIEWED BY TIANA "GLITTERSAURUS REX" COPYEDITED BY KATARINA "THE DOMME KAT" PIERCE ILLUSTRATION BY PENELOPE DARIO