Sex Minds & Porn
BY SOPHIA MILES
In these past disruptive, isolating times a lot of us have been deprived of sexuality, at least of sexuality with others. Solo sex has great value of its own, but I think we can agree that solo sex doesn’t substitute for sex-sex, just like sex-sex doesn’t substitute for solo-sex. Like breakfast and dinner, I believe humans need both. Maybe not all humans: that’s fine! Apparently there are people who don’t need breakfast to function either. That’s definitely not me though.
During this time a lot of people’s sex lives have existed predominantly in their minds. It’s a bit sad, but not as sad as it sounds, because mind-sex-life can do wonders to real-world-sex-life once real-life-sex-life resumes.
Sure, the best sex is sex that actually happens–but daydreaming and fantasizing are powerful tools. They can give much insight about who you are, sexually and otherwise. I truly believe our sexuality is us in a nutshell. It tells you what you are into or curious about, how you relate to others or would like to relate to others but can’t. It tells stories about past, present and future, blockages and free-flowing power. It tells you what you crave. Maybe what you need.
In our mind, anything goes and if you let your imagination roam freely without shame or judgment it may take you places: hidden (or not so hidden) corners of your soul and psyche which long to be seen.
I believe sexuality can be an incredibly powerful guide, an extension of our intuition and true self. Maybe that is the reason it is so feared and fought by institutions of power?
Sexuality is the number one competition to the institution of religion. I am explicitly saying “the institution of” because I believe there is an important distinction between religion as institution (church, politics, blah) and religion as spiritual practice. But that’s a whole other story, and oh my god (no pun intended) I am so getting sidetracked again!
Let me rewind.
Sexuality is a powerful guide and when we don’t get to have much sex with other people the fucking happens in our minds. And in our minds anything goes. Ideally, we don’t limit ourselves, aren’t limited by reality, and can explore freely where we want to go, where we need to go, what we are pulled towards. We can do just as we please, with the emphasis on as we please! There’s nobody else’s pleasure to consider but our own. We get to explore how we want to cum, or not. Who we want to fuck and how. What we want to do, see, smell, taste, feel, which sensations we are after, which dynamics. A glory gift box filled with self-knowledge wrapped in orgasms!
Maybe you’re not the fantasizing type. Maybe life has so clouded your mind with real-life fog that desires and sex don’t seem to find their way through. I get it. It’s like when your mind is racing and people tell you just meditate and you’re like I can’t! It’s too noisy in here! Those are the times you need serenity the most but access seems impossible. In these moments you need an anchor. With sex and fantasizing that anchor can be porn.
Yes, really. I know porn has a bad rap for being the unhealthy fast food of sex, but I don’t think that’s fair at all.
I love porn. Porn and online banking are two of my favorite features of the internet. If consumed mindfully, porn can give you much insight into your desires and needs. And by mindfully I am not referring to the type of porn you watch but rather to being conscious of what you watch and how (observing your porn-taste but without putting any judgment on it). Then it’s enlightening beyond the cumming! A bit like a magic crystal ball into your subconscious, but less woo-woo. More, ahhhhh…
For me, watching porn is like free-writing. Free-writing is an exercise of longhand pen on paper, putting down streams of consciousness without editing or judging, not bothering about spelling or punctuation. It’s basically writing down your subconscious. Stuff just appears on paper, your subconscious writing itself. You are the executor and observer and this often gives cool insights. A typical session for me reads like: blahblahblah, here’s a problem I am dealing with, blahblahblah, here’s the solution to it. It’s pretty spectacular and I recommend it.
Okay, but what about porn? Porn. Yes. I’m getting to it.
For me going onto my laptop to search porn is like accessing my sexual subconscious. It’s the freehand writing session of sex. My searching doesn’t have any pattern or system. I search for whatever I am craving at that very moment. And just as the writing gives me revelations of Huh! Really? Interesting! I am quite often surprised and fascinated by the porn scenes I chose to search for.
I know some people (maybe it is a guy thing? feel free to let me know) only watch porn of certain performers or looks or people they have a connection with. In general, I have noticed that men’s porn taste seems to be more driven by visuals and aesthetics. I am very visual too. I also have certain types I find hot, a particular look I’m into at the moment, which always changes, just as I change and evolve. Still, the actual kind of porn scene I am craving is 90% driven by my mind.
Sometimes that search is driven by hidden corners of my soul, fragments of my subconscious gasping for air.
Other times my porn search imitates a current fantasy so literal, so obviously mirroring specific real-life events I experienced that very day, that it makes me laugh. Since I search my porn intuitively I never know what I will type into the search box before I see the words appearing on the screen. I guess I am a writer through and through: anything in life or in me I figure out through writing, even sex.
So what turns me on, you might wonder? Which experiences am I craving? What are my fantasies?
How about I write and find out. Since it is ever-changing and evolving this shall be an ongoing exploration, a love letter to my sexuality if you will (that you are allowed to read, you lucky pervs).
Maybe it’s also a little inspiration. Go and let your imagination and desires run wild! Dare to go off the beaten path! You can always decide for yourself which fantasies are worth exploring in real life, if any at all.
Your mind is a safe space, maybe the safest of them all.
WORDS BY SOPHIA MILES
IMAGE COURTESY OF SOPHIA MILES