LUCY SWEETKILL
Updated: Oct 24, 2022
INTERVIEW BY VICTORIA SILVER
Dressed in a leather bodysuit and tights while cleaning her toys, SweetKill provided a unique insight into her personal thoughts on kink, power, her personal submissive relationships, and the politics of domination as a woman of color from a traditional family.
PETIT MORT (VICTORIA SILVER)
Mistress SweetKill, thank you for taking the time to talk with us. Let’s jump right in. What was your first exposure to BDSM, and what attracted you to it?
LUCY SWEETKILL
Well, I have two versions. One was when I was really aware that this is BDSM, like the terms BDSM and kink. And then way before that, on the earlier side, I was sort of playing around with kink and BDSM obviously not knowing what it was. It was just me being kind of a weird, curious kid. I think many people have that same experience. For me, the earliest memories I have around kink or BDSM were actually around pain. When I was a kid, I used to get in trouble for biting people, mostly biting people like my sister or one of my cousins, people I liked. Not biting them because I was mad at them, but because I really liked them. It was my form of affection. Of course, I would get in trouble, because you bite someone—especially as a kid—and then they get hurt and go tell someone that you bit them. So, at a really young age, I realized ‘oh, okay, I’m not supposed to do that’ even though it made me feel really warm inside, just like a hug.
That’s my earliest memory of doing anything around what most people would consider a kink, especially being a self-proclaimed sadist. In regards to my first experience while actually understanding what I was doing, I would say in all honesty it was when I first started pro-domming. I grew up in the Bay Area, so I was surrounded by a lot of alternative sexuality as just part of life, but I never saw it as anything different. I never saw it as alternative because it was just part of our culture; we have Pride and we have Folsom.
I spent my 21st birthday at a [place] called Asia SF, an Asian trans bar, on a stripper pole with a bunch of Asian trans women. Straight friends came, gay friends, all types of friends came because it wasn’t a big deal. There wasn’t what felt like a segregation in all of that, like I see in other places. I actually feel like there’s more of that in New York, but in San Francisco, it’s just part of your life.
When I first started pro-domming in New York, that’s when I officially realized the words [for what I desired]. Like this is what BDSM is, this is what kink is, this is what a dominatrix is. Even though I already kind of knew of them as a general concept, I didn’t really think of them as anything else.
PM
It seems like you were very much integrated in kink culture even before you had the words for it. Would you say you always felt a call to dominance, or was it a skill you chose to hone?
LS
It’s something that I’ve thought about a lot. I think that me being a pro-domme is definitely a product of my personality and not the other way around. I naturally was a dominant individual, but I will say that a lot of society’s expectations and my cultural expectations as a Vietnamese woman in a very traditional Vietnamese family were that boys were more important. Like, “oh, you’re the girl, you have to wash the dishes” and then my step-brother didn’t do shit. I would always lose my shit, like, why do my sister and I have to do everything while he would just sit around? “That’s the girl’s job.” I grew up with these messages that I think really inhibited my natural dominance. I would close it off really quickly, because you didn’t want to be the bitch, you didn’t want to be too bossy, you didn’t want to be too ‘in-your-face’. I had a lot of those things being thrown at me, so I think even though [dominance] was my natural tendency, I pulled back a lot because I wanted to fit in and I didn’t want to ruffle feathers.
There were a few years from high school into college that I really closed myself off and made myself much smaller to appease others, and I was really sad and de- pressed during that time. I didn’t really know why, and there were a lot of other things, but I think that’s what was coming out—that I was suppressing this part of my personality and who I was to fit in. And so with domination, I felt it unlocked this thing that I’d been hiding about myself for a really long time. Even though most of my friends were like ‘you’ve always kind of been this way’, I felt like I’d closed it off. But obviously, it was who I am, so it would come out in different parts. All my friends were like ‘you’re dominant as fuck’ but I didn’t fully feel that way because I didn’t feel confident in it, and I think that was the difference. I didn’t feel confident in my dominant personality and even though other people really enjoyed it, it was something I struggled to accept about myself.
PM
Understandably so, especially with the politics of being a woman of color. It’s hard to come into that part of yourself when everyone is telling you to be small. What was the trigger for you to decide to practice BDSM professionally?
LS
You know, in life, the universe just throws you things, and you’re just like ‘is there a theme going on?’. There were some signs and I feel like I’m a pretty intuitive individual and I’ve kind of had to be, so when I spot these things I listen and try to read what’s going on. In a very short amount of time, between like 22-23 and 25, I kept running into folks who were in the kink world in some way. One started with a friend of a friend who was a dominatrix, and I never asked her about it but it would come up here or there, like little funny stories would come up. Then, in passing, I met another person who did a thing like this—they did [sex work] in college. Soon after, I actually met a domme. I still to this day do not know who she is and I don’t know how long she did it. She was white, in her late thirties, and I met her at a bar in the West Village. The bar was super crowded, it was one of those hip bars. I was working in fashion, so I was waiting for a bunch of fashion friends and they were late. I was getting hit on, but kept brushing people off. She sparked a conversation, asking ‘what do you do?’. The conversation turned into ‘oh, you’re really confident, you don’t really care when guys pressure you, you don’t give a shit around any of that, have you ever thought about being a dominatrix?’
She then told me what she did, and I was like ‘no, I have a job, I’m good but thanks though’. She finished up her drink and left, and I didn’t think anything of it. A little bit later, I started dating someone. We had this really wild relationship that was very toxic, but fun. In part, it was very sexually driven. He mentioned that he watched kinky porn, and I was very interested. I asked what he meant by that and he said ‘you know, I have a thing for women who are dominant’, so I told him to tell me more. So he showed me some of the videos on Kink.com, which I was enthralled by. We then started playing, and he asked if I’d be open to trying some of that stuff—like yeah, damn straight. I started tying him up with scarves and pantyhose. I’d take his own belt and beat his ass with it. It was just this thing I started to do and I really enjoyed it.
As we were exploring in our relationship (with not much conversation to be honest), I started looking into [kink] because I’m very big about learning. Once I discovered Kink.com, I started [asking] ‘what are these words, what are these things?’. That’s how I came across an ad asking ‘Are you interested in becoming a dominatrix? Are you Asian? Do you have no experience?’ I was like, “yes, yes, yes!” It was all on Backpage, and now it doesn’t exist. That’s when I applied, even though I had a full-time job. I applied because I wanted to know more, something was pulling me down this direction. They responded back, and I really didn’t think I would get a response, and they asked if I could come in for an interview. I was [worried], like, am I going to die? I didn’t know, so funny enough, I had a safety call without knowing it was a safety call. I told my friend where I was going to be, for how long, and when she should hear back from me.
I went, and it was totally fine, and then I started.
PM
We often talk about fetish provision from the angle of what our clients desire. What does your ideal scene look like?
LS
I have always been a bit of a chameleon as a person. I worked in the fashion industry for a really long time because I had a big passion for it, even when I was a kid. I would always change my look up. I was super poor so I made my own clothing. Because I’m a bit of a chameleon, I bring that into my play. I can’t do the same scene over and over, even if that day that scene was something I really loved at that moment. As a sadist, I can play with pain, and I love playing with pain on a consistent basis. But, if I have to do the same thing, even if it’s my favorite thing like whipping, I would be so bored. I am someone who really loves variety, and I think that’s what helps with me not getting burnt out. The variety isn’t based on my client. It’s almost like they happen to be the catch of the day and I get to make the recipe, make the meal however I want.
This is how I play now. I don’t accept clients where I don’t like what they’re into. I want to see the ingredients—to me, activities are just the ingredients and I get to put it all together and see what I want out of it. If I don’t like any of the ingredients, I just won’t accept it because it won’t be fun for me to cook something up. I don’t think I have one ideal scene, because I need that variety. I’m a big foodie; I can’t eat one single thing. I have friends of all different ages, genders, and sexualities. My friend group is very indicative of who I am.
PM
It seems it’s less so about individual fetishes for you and more about the ‘top high’ and the power you have to express yourself through kink.
LS
I guess the one thing that has to be infused in everything would be the power dynamic. I am more interested in power and control than I am in individual activities. I like to know what you’re into because I like to use them in nefarious ways.
PM
In the photoshoot, I know there was a focus on bimbofication. In the past few years, sissification, feminization, and bimbofication have been heavily criticized for representing an outdated, fetishized, sometimes humiliating image of femininity. As a practitioner of this fetish, what are your thoughts on it? Where does it fit within the framework of female supremacy for you?
LS
For me, personally, I don’t see specifically sissification and bimbofication as gender-specific at all. I see it as a full ‘other’ transformation, because I’m not wiping away their maleness, I am adding to it with other things. How I play with sissification and bimbofication specifically: I’m not creating close to what my ideal (or anybody else’s ideal) of a ‘woman’ is, especially other femmes. It’s actually a male’s view of a ‘woman’, in the most ridiculous sense, because it doesn’t actually exist. I’m sort of objectifying them within their own thoughts of what a ‘woman’ is, because I don’t know any woman who looks like the type of bimbo I make my subs into. They have stuff on their penis, they’ve got huge hair and huge breasts, there’s all kinds of things going on that are transforming them into something different in an interesting amalgamation.
I don’t see it in a gendered way which is why I don’t feel offended by it, because this is not even close to what being female is. I want to say with feminization—which I separated— when I play with feminization, I am getting those [submissives] to tap into this feminine side that allows them to feel a little more vulnerable. It takes away from how they grew up and what it means to be a man. Sometimes, the only way they can embrace some of these qualities that are actually really good for them to have [is through feminization], as they see [these qualities] as being more ‘female’, like vulnerability, communication, or submission. I think these are all amazing qualities, but society’s patriarchal views [determine] that these are bad or not of worth.
A lot of these men I see are of a certain age and that type of messaging is so ingrained in them that it’s hard for them. They can be like, ‘I understand intellectually that that’s not what it means, I can read tons of books on this’ but it doesn’t mean they can actually embrace it. Sometimes, coming in here and being shifted into a more feminized version of themselves allows them to let go of expectations that the world has of them. It helps them embrace it slowly, in an integrated way, and in a way that eventually softens them that I don’t think any book or sit-down conversation would be able to do. They can think about it intellectually, but it doesn’t mean they can embody it.
PM
It’s sexualization as a coping mechanism.
LS
Yeah! I definitely think that’s a big part of it. They’re processing it in the only way that’s really tangible for them, that makes it feel real, while also separated from their lives. And also feel a little safe, right? When we sexualize stuff it becomes part of desire and lust, and it feels good in the moment. It’s your brain saying ‘this is okay, look at all these love feelings that are coming out from this’. It’s really the afterwards that sometimes you have to work through.
PM
Speaking of working through that, what does aftercare look like for your submissives?
LS
It varies. I have some subs who don’t need aftercare at all, they’re very stable emotionally and in their play. Coming here is like having this really fun experience, like going on vacation for their mind, so afterwards they’re just floating and they’re good. There are others who definitely need a little more aftercare, especially if we’re going to do something really intense physically and emotionally. If we’re digging into places that are a lot more vulnerable, there’s a little more fear around it. For me, that is about taking time, bringing them out of that [state], sitting, relaxing, taking a shower, having something to drink, or having a meal afterwards. Just talking, and letting them know ‘hey, we had something really intense, so for the next few days you’re really going to need to care for yourself. Make sure to get some exercise, make sure to get some sun, eat healthy and drink a lot of fluids.’ I make sure that they understand what self-care is. Self- care requires some active things. I tell them to make sure you do some things that bring joy into your life, whether that’s a hobby you like to do or spending time with certain folks.
Just make sure you are being very intentional, as well as being mindful of that coming-down part of having something really intense. It’s not just the day after, but for a few days. Some subs can do one day of aftercare and they’re great. Some need four, five, six days, and that’s okay. It’s about teaching them how to take care of themselves.
PM
It’s very individual. What does aftercare look like for yourself?
LS
Food. I do a combination of things. In all honesty, I really enjoy cleaning and I’m very particular. I get a lot of top high, so it’s really important or I’ll just be wired and not be able to sleep. Part of my coming down aftercare is cleaning everything up, slowly putting it back to place. Having some water, listening to some music, taking a shower. I’m a water baby so I have to bathe before I go to bed. It helps me wash away everything, any thoughts that stick with me, but it’s also like my safe space. And then food. Food is a big one for me. Eating things that make me really happy. That’s pretty much what I need. I know some folks who get a pretty bad top drop, but I’ve never really dealt with that. I’m always on a pretty good high, and for me, it’s about nourishing my body and allowing my mind to rest.
PM
You identify as a life coach and mentor to your submissives, which many in the vanilla world would find rather odd. Do you find your training helps your clients be not just better submissives, but better people?
LS
So I’m actually a certified life coach as well, and I know some folks who use that term that aren’t. I took a year-long program a few years ago because it was something I wanted to add into what I do, because I was sort of already doing it. I realized I definitely wanted to do some continuing education, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go the therapy route or whether I wanted to do some other route. There are many dommes and providers who are also therapists.
I realized I’m not as concerned with [my submissives’] pasts in my play. I think you should go to therapy and work that stuff out. I’m concerned about their present and their future and who they are right now. So, with me understanding what I valued and was interested in, it made it clear I was actually interested in coaching. Your past does matter, but there’s another avenue to work that out. Coaches are here to deal with [questions like] ‘who are you now? What are you capable of right now? What’s going on in your life right now? Where do you want to go?’
For me, that’s what I apply for my clients. Obviously, we start in the kink space and with their sexuality. I start a lot of them [with questions like] ‘how do you want to express your sexuality? How do you want to express your submission? How often do you want to express your submission? Do you want to play? How often do you want to feel submissive?’ Those are these big questions they never think about because that can lead to [the reasons] why they may be unsatisfied in a relationship, because they’re play- ing a role they don’t want to play. It has nothing to do with ‘I wish I could have sex 5 times a day’, that’s really not what I’m asking them. I’m asking, ‘do you feel that you’re actually not expressing yourself as a submissive or kinky individual? Do you feel you have to play the role of vanilla too much in how you express love and your sexuality?’, because that’s kind of hard for those who are kinky.
If you’re kinky and you have to do really vanilla things as your sexual expression all the time, and then your kink expression comes out once every few months? I can understand why you feel unhappy. That’s like if you’re a lesbian and you’re having hetero sex and then doing lesbian things once every few months, you’d feel like it fucking sucks.
PM
Could you tell us what attributes you find desirable in a submissive?
LS
I like those who are self-aware, who consistently work on themselves, who are all about self-growth. Respectful, communicative, and those who aren’t self-serving. Yes, in your submission and in play, you definitely have to speak up about the things you want, but there are those who come about in a very self-serving way in the name of ‘submission’, when it really isn’t.
PM
It’s fetishization at that point.
LS
Yeah, so ‘self-awareness’, right? There are so many people who love to throw that word around, they’re like ‘I’m submissive’, and you’re like… no you’re not. You’re actually more of a bottom who’s a fetishist who wants someone to top them with the fantasy of a power dynamic. And that’s okay! But let’s come at this more clearly.
PM
Your personal submissive, Pain Pup, how did that relationship start? What caused it to morph into what it is today?
LS
It was very organic. He actually started as a client back in my house days. He was very new to a lot of things, he was younger and I was five years into domination. He didn’t have much experience, but the things he was into I was very much into. In my initial conversation with him, I think I’m pretty good at getting people to open up way more than they realize, and one of the things he said was “I’ve always fantasized about someone making me cry, but it’s never happened” and I was like “well… you have just pressed exactly the button I wanted to hear”.
I really enjoyed our scene together and I saw him maybe one or two times after that. I left [the house] and we got connected on FetLife after he found me, and he started to see me when I was independent. I remember specifically that I was renting out another space and we were leaving and I said, “Hey, do you want to get dinner? We could talk”, then he said sure, and we quickly went and got food. As we were talking, I asked, “What do you think this is all about for you?” We talked more about what he was looking for, what it meant, just where he was at at the moment, and I said “Well, I think I’m going to need some help pretty soon. Would you want to try helping me out with some of these things?”. He was like, “Sure, yeah, I could totally do that”.
It organically grew from there where he was of assistance to me and helped with a lot, especially because I was starting my own space. He consistently showed up to be of assistance, and it just kept growing from there. We’ve had our ups and downs, especially emotionally—like Pup sort of trying to wrap his head around a D/s dynamic—but also boundaries were a big thing. He’s so much better now because I’ve trained him, but he was very new, he had never been in a D/s dynamic, it had always been a fantasy in his head but he had never been in one so it was hard to see what was [a problem] until they came up. Problems and conflict are actually a good thing because then it teaches you to see what’s happening for that person and makes it easier to train and manage. Now, he has a lot more tools because I taught him to have and search for more to help manage his emotions beyond just BDSM, but his whole life.
PM
To close out our interview, if you could give one piece of advice to submissives who seek to serve, what would it be?
LS
Do your homework. Don’t go jumping into things because it makes you horny. For any submissive, no matter what gender or identity, if you want to come in or are interested in exploring submission, power dynamics, BDSM, whatever, do your homework. We live in the modern world, where you can get so much information. There are so many books, so many podcasts, so many YouTube shows. Consume as much information as you can so you can make some educated decisions and go about things in a more intentional way rather than a reactionary, desired way. Kink can be dangerous, and if you don’t play with it correctly, you are going to get hurt. I’ve known subs who’ve accidentally almost killed themselves. Don’t just think with your desired organs, do your research.
LUCY SWEETKILL INTERVIEWED BY VICTORIA SILVER PHOTOS BY LAURA CORINN ART DIRECTION AND SET DESIGN BY PENELOPE DARIO AND LAURA CORINN STYLING BY LEON CRUZ GLAM BY VALENTINA FOX