Updated: Oct 24, 2022
INTERVIEW BY MOLLY SIMMONS
You may know Erin Caroll as the formerly “childless milf”, who recently fulfilled one of her lifelong dreams of becoming a mother. Petit Mort had the pleasure of chatting with porn mom and internet sweetheart about navigating a public persona that bares all during the sacred transformation of her body and family.
PETIT MORT (MOLLY SIMMONS)
Can you talk about your journey of being an openly pregnant sex worker?
I’m Erin. I’m a 28-year-old adult entertainer, and in February of 2021 I found out I was pregnant!
Over the last 7 years, I have shared just about every aspect of my life, and with that I’ve cultivated an audience who appreciates hearing about and being a part of what I’m sharing. So, when I announced my pregnancy, I was met with overwhelming support! Especially because they knew my husband and knew I had been trying for over a year–they knew what it meant to me. As an established creator with a solid base, I am so blessed that I was able to pace myself as much as I needed to during my pregnancy. When I was too sick or tired, I didn’t feel pressured to work more than I was comfortable with. I still made “enough” money, and everyone came together to clear our registry!
I counted (and still count) my blessings and privileges every day. I would say the only difficulty that arose from being a pregnant sex worker was when I sometimes got comments from anti-sex-work people who disagreed with my decision continue working while pregnant, or disagreed with my decision to pursue motherhood at all. A few people had some very upsetting things to say. But they were few and far between and I’d rather not give them another thought.
One of our themes for this issue is the idea of silence as sometimes sacred and sometimes repressive. Were there things you were conscious of wanting to share specifically? Any things you were conscious of wanting to hold back? How did these concepts shift over the course of your pregnancy?
The primary way I choose what to share and what to keep to myself comes down to feelings. “If I share this, will it make me feel better? Or will putting it out there make me anxious? Will I feel a weight off of me, or will I get a stomach ache?” Throughout my life, I’ve been an “oversharer”, I almost always find comfort in dumping out the contents of my brain. This didn’t change during pregnancy. I shared about how sick I got, how I was in bed almost all the time, and all the frustrations that come with that.
I did notice that I was rarely recording my sexual encounters with my husband. We used to record ourselves all the time— and I had planned on making a ton of pregnancy content, as it is lucrative— but during my pregnancy I didn’t feel up to being intimate very often. When I did, I just wanted to focus on my husband. I didn’t want to think about camera angles, lighting, etc. The only other thing I really had to think about sharing was my lactation–it’s just as lucrative. People were asking if I was going to make it from the day I announced my pregnancy. I always knew it was something I wanted to be just for me and my baby— but it felt like walking away from a big bag of money that I could use to support her. So, I decided to make one lactation video, for the people who asked about it. I’m glad I did; it gave me a nice little income boost to recover from maternity leave.
You asked, what do I think of silence as sacred vs silence as repressive? To me, the difference is clear. My intimacy with my husband during my pregnancy, and my lactation— those, I held sacred. I kept them to myself, because I wanted them to just be for me, my partner, and my baby. If I wanted to share those things but I chose not to out of fear (fear of judgment or other negative repercussions) — I think that’s when it’s repressive.
THE PRIMARY WAY I CHOOSE WHAT TO SHARE AND WHAT TO KEEP TO MYSELF COMES DOWN TO FEELINGS.
What was it like to be pregnant over COVID? It’s been such a wild time for everyone, an inside time.
Honestly, I was so sick for so much of it, I couldn’t leave my bed even if there wasn’t a pandemic. During my 2nd and 3rd trimesters, I definitely would have liked to get out more though. I always imagined being huge pregnant and strangers doting on me in public. I wanted people to notice I was pregnant and make a fuss over it. I’m not sure what all would have been different if I’d been pregnant during another time; the only other thing I can think of— I sure would have loved to have a birth photographer. But I was only allowed two people in the delivery room and I needed my husband and my doula.
What was your connection to motherhood before having a child? Do you connect with the role of caretaker or nurturer? Or are there other aspects of the mother archetype that resonate more with you?
For years, I went by the display name “childless milf” on Twitter. My entire life, my ultimate goal has been to be a mother and a homemaker. It’s the most fulfilling role for me; a good fit for my personality.
As an adult entertainer, my persona wraps around my maternal characteristics. I offer my audience some of my maternal side. It’s a little bit Oedipal, but I think in the best way possible. I enjoy incorporating encouragement and guidance into some of my work, to “enrich mind, body, and community”.
Since having the baby, my ability to “mother” my online community has been diminished, but I’m proud of myself for creating an environment in which people feel comfortable, accepted, and supported. Like how you want to feel when you are home.
You had such a wonderfully cohesive brand before you got pregnant and now you have a different but still integrated and great one. What was your process of brand construction before you got pregnant and how long did it take to arrive at a winning formula, and how did you go about integrating your pregnancy into it? What things shifted and what stayed the same? Is your brand really considered or is it intuitive?
My brand? Believe it or not, I started gaining traction as a pundit camgirl. Think, The Colbert Report but on Chaturbate. I did a total rebrand after the 2016 election because political satire wasn’t fun for me anymore and I wanted to actually enjoy my work. There was so much political tension and stress, it felt a lot better to be a “place” where people could get away from that kind of stuff and just see a pretty naked lady telling them everything would be okay. My current brand developed really naturally from that. I’ve pretty much just been myself since I started adult entertainment, so my brand has just changed right along with me every step of the way. When I was pregnant, I didn’t have to “integrate my pregnancy” into it; I was always just Erin, then I was Erin and I happened to be pregnant, if that makes sense.
ERIN CAROLL INTERVIEWED BY MOLLY SIMMONS PHOTOS BY NATASHA INAMORATA